Celebrating 50

10-year-old me has big plans

A month ago my sister asked, “What are we doing for your 50th?!”

As an introvert, I don’t like committing to social engagements, never mind one for me that I can’t back out of at the last minute. Not only that (but….that), who’d I invite? I’ve been a crappy friend for almost two decades. Who’d show up?

Maybe I could satisfy Sarah’s millennial appetite for parties, events, and special occasions with a nice dinner, or, even better, lunch.

“I don’t know,” I said. But sisters can read one another’s minds.

“At the end of your birthday, I just want you to feel loved and special because you are,” she said.

I told her I’d think about it.

A few weeks later, I bought a reading with an Ayurvedic astrologer for my 50th. I met with Daniel on Zoom two years ago when I was trying to make sense of my life that no longer made sense. He told me everything in my life, including me, would change when I practiced self-love – something I had no idea how to do.

For the past two years, I’ve learned, studied, practiced, and honed self-love. Some days, I’ve failed. But those were the most important days because I had to show myself grace — love myself without proof I was loveable.

When I met with Daniel this time, I was nervous. What if I’d made no progress? What if he had bad news? What if my professional and personal desires weren’t in the cards (rather planets) for me? But my curiosity overpowered my fear, so I booked another session.

Before a session, Daniel asks for the time, place, date of your birth. He also asks for pictures of your left and right palms. If you’re right dominate, the lines are active and change. The lines on your left palm are past experiences and sealed.

On a Friday afternoon, I scooted out of work and fired up my laptop to Zoom with him.

“Amy, this is crazy,” he said. The conditions and planets were aligned exactly as they were during our first session. My lack of reaction prompted him to clarify. “You’d be more likely to win Powerball than have this set of circumstances again. This is big. You’re powerful, you know that right?”

I used to know that. When I was 10-years-old, I felt I was going to do big things in life. I didn’t know exactly what but I knew they’d be big. But then, every year I grew further and further away from that 10-year-old’s knowing, excitement, and gut feeling.

This time during my session with Daniel, we talked about my karma, my future, the circumstances surrounding my time on this planet, and how to tap into my younger, wiser self when making decisions. My mind was blown away again and again.

Towards the end of the session, Daniel asked, “How are you celebrating your birthday?”

“Oh, I’m not sure,” I said. “I don’t even know if I want to celebrate it.”

A silence hung for several seconds.

“Hm,” he said. “How would 10-year-old Amy feel about not celebrating her birthday?”

I became protective. I thought about her reaction not to celebrate a milestone birthday – a decade of being on the planet. She’d be so sad and confused. Why? She’d think.

She’d want a pizza party with a make-your-own sundae bar. She’d ask for purple balloons and have Madonna’s True Blue album playing on cassette. She’d want to watch Back to the Future or Goonies on VHS.

She’d never say, “I don’t think I’ll celebrate this one.”

“Well, there you go,” Daniel said. “Do you see that you are her and she is you?”

Oh, ohhhhhhhhhh……

That’s the work, Daniel said.

The day after my session, I called my sister. I told her about the planets and my past karma and the stars and alignment of my future. My sister, the nurse, and the most practical and kind woman I know, said, “That’s great, Aim.” She tells me she believes in the woo woo, but sometimes I think it’s because she loves me so much.”

“I want to celebrate my 50th,” I said. “But with a darty.” (A darty is what Emily and her Holy Cross friends call a day party.) Whatever you want, Sarah said.

Ten-year-old Amy is excited! Her preference would be a Cabbage Patch Doll cake but accepts that one of 50-year-old Amy’s besties is making a gluten free one for her;) There will be snow, but nothing like the blizzard of ‘78, my dad reminds me. They’ll be purple balloons – 10-year-old Amy​’s favorite color. They​’ll be friends, new and old. My sister and Isabelle will be here. Emily will FaceTime in.

When anxiety creeps in about the party, ​I call on 10-year-old Amy ​who’s in the corner of my mind planning her outfit, curl ironing her hair, deciding what pizza ​place to order from, and bursting to celebrate without giving her worth and lovability a second thought.

“Anytime you have a decision to make, I want you to consult her,” Daniel said. “She knows things you forget. She honors you. She loves and celebrates you and your life in a way that you’ve shut down.”

Something shifted in me. Would a 10-year-old Amy say no to going to the movies? Going on vacation? Eating dinner out? Dancing around the house to Huey Lewis and News​’ Power of Love while your younger brothers yelled, Shut up! No, no, no.

I encourage you to consult your younger-self again and again and again, too. They honor our desires before ​cultural, religious, and family conditioning take hold. Before we begin to believe t​hat we have to hustle for worth, belonging and love.

Turns out, fifth-grade-Amy holds the magic to my wellbeing.

Happy 50th, Aim, ​she says. Celebrate all the things, especially yourself. She’s right.

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